Squash or Inspire the Child's Desire

In a sharing moment, my 13 year old son says to me, “I feel like I do most things because of what I don’t want to have happen.”  It hits me like a ton of bricks and begins changing my parenting immediately.  Is this the pattern I want to set in him?  “No!”  But, it IS (I realize now) the default pattern my parenting style is creating.

My dream would be for him to be a person that can create a vision of what he wants and make it happen.  To me, this is what it means to live by faith.  I want him, and all of my children, to know that with the help of God they can do anything they set their minds to.  What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.  I believe these words to be true.

And yet, years ago I figured out that if I could a) think of a good creative consequence that the child hates more than the chore he had been asked to do, then b) follow through with that consequence if he did not do the chore, c) I got results.  If your children know you’ll follow through with the consequence, this can be a very effective method of getting them to perform.  It has worked so well for me.

But now…I realize it is not a method that teaches my child to reach and create the results he wants.  It is, rather, a method that inspires the minimum action necessary to avoid the hated consequence.  And, no doubt, it is inspiring deep in that child a disdain and resentment for me, for chores, probably ultimately for life.

 

So, today I begin an intentional shift.  A shift than will transform the lives of my children, I hope.  I will help my children determine what they want; help them discover what they want life to look like for them; and then, help them learn to achieve it; help them see how each thought and action contributes to their results. 

Make no mistake, I believe in clear consequences for lack of performance.  The consequences will remain.  They will be clear and understood.  The focus, however, will be on the positive results that come from doing the necessary tasks and making wise choices – whether that be chores, homework, choice of entertainment, etc.

Passover: The Angel of Death Passed over my Marriage

The power of Christ to rescue us from impending death is alive today.  Passover commemorates the angel of death passing over Jewish homes in Egypt.  Those who painted their door frames in obedience and faith were spared the death of their first-born sons, and it was a miracle.

The angel of death passed over my home and marriage a few years ago.  It happened literally in an instant, and it was a profound miracle.

photo can be found at: https://flic.kr/p/746VYB

Bitterness and resentment towards my husband (who is a loving, respectful man) had filled me to the brim; built up to bubbling over.  "I do all the work around the house."  "He doesn't appreciate everything I do."  "He is not doing everything he could be doing."  "He isn't even trying."  "Why do I have to do this?"  "Why can't he help me more?"  "Everything is left on my shoulders.  I even have to go out and make money." "Can't he see what needs to be done?"  "I hate this."  "I hate the mess in our home!"  "I hate that I feel so overwhelmed."  "Life would be easier on my own."

I had been heroically holding these feelings in; keeping them to myself...until one one day when my receptacle of emotional garbage was ready to explode.  What a relief when my husband left to go to the store.  I just wanted to be alone.  But, a few minutes later, the phone rang.  I looked at the caller ID on the phone, and yelled out loud, "I don't want to talk to him!"  I was filled with anger.  Holding back the tears, I answered the phone.  I answered his questions as pleasantly as I could muster and hung up.  My insides were boiling with negative emotion.

 In the midst of this moment, feeling dark and angry, I cried out as loud as I could, "I don't want to feel this way!"  Tears streaming down my face, pleading from deep inside my soul, "Please, take these feelings away from me."

photo can be found at: https://flic.kr/p/746VYB

Never have I experienced before or since such a profound difference in a moment.  My oppressive cloud of darkness was removed.  In an instant, I felt peace.  Such a profound difference that I will forever remember that moment.

Up until this experience, feelings of resentment built up and fizzled over fairly regularly.  Afterwards, I have been able to speak more openly with my husband before the feelings become a problem.  I have pro-actively looked for his efforts, been more sensitive to his challenges, and asked him to share with me the things he is working on.

The change happened inside me, not in my circumstances, not in my husband.  It was the way I was feeling, the way I was viewing my life--our life--that grew my negative emotions.  I reached out to God with true desire to be rid of that yuck--and he took it away in the moment I asked him to.  I am so grateful, for I was on a path of resentment that would destroy any relationship.

The angel of death is busily destroying marriages and families, right now.  The toxic emotions that were festering in my soul are the sort of things that kill marriage, and many marriages die...because these feelings are so real.  There is so much joy to be experienced, so much good to see in each other and work to be done together.  The Passover rescue I experienced did not take my challenges away, but it took my emotional baggage away and gave me the ability to navigate them in a spirit of peace.  Reach out in faith to God in your hour of need, and He will come to your rescue in a way that is perfect for you.  Maybe you've already experienced such a time.  In the spirit of celebrating Passover, comment and share your rescue experience!

Happy Easter week, Everyone.

"I can't...": Big Lessons From My Little People #4

"I'm sorry, Mom.  I had so many things to do; like getting a drink," said my five year old little.

That's when it hit me... Do my reasons for not getting things done sound this trivial to my maker?

I asked my five year old to complete a task, gave oodles of time, and came back to nothing done.  Maybe you've also asked a child, or anyone, to do something important and had the same result.  When you come back to nothing done, the reason is,  "I had so many things to do..." "I didn't have time."  "I had to finish this other thing."  "I can't do it!"
 

Take the Time - photo can be found here https://flic.kr/p/6fQFSk

You know he had time!  You know he could have done it immediately!  You gave him triple the amount of time he needed, but he has been doing other things.

You know he is capable! Even if he struggled with it, you are right there to help him. You see he could have easily accomplished the task...and you know it would bring the results he wants in his life.

You are Capable! - photo can be found at https://flic.kr/p/oimaFS

Why didn't he do it?...It was not his first priority; not important right at the moment. There were other things he wanted to do, or other things that he perceived needed his attention first.  OR, he didn't believe he could do it.  It just seemed too big of a task, and he got discouraged before he even started...

Most parents see this behavior in their children...  What about seeing it in ourselves?  Do you sometimes have thoughts that repeat themselves, that come up again and again?  Little promptings, little nudges from the inside to do something or reach out to someone? 

What is it costing you to keep putting them off... in relationships, in money, in personal peace?

photo can be found here https://flic.kr/p/8Jt3vk

The natural consequences that come from putting things off can be painful and costly.  Just recently, I learned that my friend had died.  She was a beautiful woman with three young children.  She lived across the country from me, but had been on my mind the past month.  I had clear impressions to send her a note, to reach out to her.  I kept thinking, "I'm going to do that."....until it was too late.  I'll never know if reaching out to her would have made a difference, could have saved her life...because, she's already gone.

photo can be found here -  https://flic.kr/p/43MntB

I cannot turn back the clock or change the past.  I CAN start new today and choose to more diligently heed what I believe are the promptings of heaven.  No matter what you call them, they are the quiet invitations we receive within.  So softly experienced sometimes that they may be easy to ignore, and yet they bring such good results when we follow them.  I challenge you to go right now and do one of these invitations that you have received.  You'll be so glad you did.

Overwhelmed?

I wrote the following on May 24, 2014:   "Overwhelmed.  Work to do.  Clutter everywhere.  Clients need service.  Lessons to prepare.  Consistent steady income to find.  Laundry piled high.  Journaling to do.  Thank you cards to write.  Candy to produce.  Sales calls to make.  The car needs washing.  The family wants dinner.  Volunteer hours to do at the school.  Service projects to plan.  Choose people for positions on the board.  Set up a visioning session.  Follow up calls.  Need to exercise.  The kids need help with homework.  The list goes on and on.  Overwhelmed.  Feeling it is impossible to do all that I want to/am expected to."

"Life is demanding!  The more good things you are involved in, the more demanding it can seem.

"Miserable.  Stretched so thin that I feel no good....

And then, I made a decision.  I will put God first in my day.  I will commit to personal study, meditation, and pondering FIRST in my day.  I will begin my study with a prayer, asking God to please direct me what is important to do TODAY.  One day's worth of assignments from my maker at the beginning of the day.  Just help me know what is important today.  Then, those things go into the schedule FIRST.  Those are the important things.

On Sunday, August 24, 2014, I had this overwhelming feeling going through me:  "God is good.  I am so grateful for the many things that have come into order in my life."  I know it is because of this decision I made to ask God to show me what is important today every day, and then do it.

This simple action - put God first in my day...Pray and study and ponder as a start to the day, in the quiet of the early morning.  If I wake up late, still start the day with study and prayer.  Ask God:  "Please show me what is most important for today.  Help me do those tasks today." 

In the mess of chaos, God knows what is important.  Seek him, ask him to show you the tasks that are most important.  Then, trust him and do them.  Be patient with yourself on days when you don't get them all done.  Then, go back the next morning and pray, "Today, what are the most important things for me to do?...Just enough that I can do in one day."  You may have a repeat item.  You may get a whole new list.  Often, your list may be only one or two things, because your schedule is crazy.  After getting your list, you may need to change your schedule.

Trust that he cares and will show you.  Trust that you are capable of being still and quiet and receiving his answers.  Focus in your prayer, study in the scriptures to learn, and you will be guided.  Miracles happen when we seek the help of Heaven!! 

Seeking Security?

Where are you seeking for security?  Is it in having enough money?  Is it in living in the right house?  Is it in knowing the right people?  

Take a moment and read the fruits of wisdom and understanding...

Proverbs 3:13-26 (King James Version of the Bible...Anywhere that it says man means human--works for men or women)

 13 ¶Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.
 14 For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold.
 15 She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her.
 16 Length of days is in her right hand; and in her left hand riches and honour.
 17 Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace.
 18 She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her.
 19 The LORD by wisdom hath founded the earth; by understanding hath he established the heavens.
 20 By his knowledge the depths are broken up, and the clouds drop down the dew.
 21 ¶My son, let not them depart from thine eyes: keep sound wisdom and discretion:
 22 So shall they be life unto thy soul, and grace to thy neck.
 23 Then shalt thou walk in thy way safely, and thy foot shall not stumble.
 24 When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.
 25 Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh.
 26 For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken.

What a beautiful list!!  To repeat:  length of days, riches and honor, pleasantness, peace, tree of life, happiness, life to thy soul, grace, safety, no fear, sweet sleep, confidence...

All these things translate into true safety and security.

https://flic.kr/p/nkBYm4

While looking for graphics for this post, I found the following.  I like it.  Find it at this link: https://flic.kr/p/5YiALt

Begin

BEGIN.  Just start.

The desire you have in your heart will manifest.  It will become reality if you begin.

Spend time focusing, thinking, writing, visualising your desire.  Create it in your soul.

Then, start.  Do one small thing that starts you on the path of creating your desire.  Tomorrow do another small thing.

Work on it daily--think on it--talk about--pray about it--move on it.

This is how all great things start.  The great wall of China was not built in a day.  It was built one day at a time.  One brick at a time.  Lots of helpers in time...

               http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6f/The_Great_Wall_of_China_at_Jinshanling.jpg

Keep moving one day at a time, and you will see it begin to unfold.  Do not worry if it is "right," or if the road looks different from the road of another you've seen.  This is YOUR creation, not his or hers. 

Enjoy the process.  Let it happen.  Keep taking steps and do not be discouraged.

BELIEVE, and start.

BEGIN.  BEGIN.  BEGIN.  In some small way, BEGIN.

The Depth of Desire

Desire.  Deep desire.  Focused desire.  Dwelt upon desire.  Heart and mind desire.  Desire in harmony with your deepest held beliefs.  Desire confirmed by an inner knowing that God is pleased with it.  Desire that moves to action.  Desire that overcomes momentary appetites.   Desire that outlasts adversity.  This desire is what makes dreams come true.

Why?  Because, when faced with a choice, the depth of your desire guides you.  When faced with challenges, the depth of your desire keeps you going.  If your desire is not deeply rooted in your heart and mind, then temporary appetite may overpower it.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/nshivar/9648409425/

My purpose for writing this post is to help me think through how desire has worked in my life before, and how I can apply it now to get what I want.  I'll share this experience and then the principles I see at work.

As a teenager, I developed a fear of divorce.  This fear was born out of observation.  I could easily see that marriage was not for the faint of heart...that it takes real commitment and desire to remain married.  My parents faced some gargantuan challenges during my teen years.  Sometimes there was tension, disagreement, escalated voices.  There was never any violence, but I must be a sensitive soul, because I remember fearing that my parents would divorce.  I remember a night sobbing on my bed just thinking about it.   

http://flic.kr/p/8Mjcp3

One day in the car with my mother, I mustered up the courage to talk to her and share my feelings. She looked at me without hesitation and said, "Deanna, your father and I will not divorce. It is not an option for us. Both of us honor our marriage covenant above any of the challenges we face together." I felt reassured and so grateful for the strength of my parents. 

I observed, though, that not all marriages last through such difficult things.  There was a cul de sac of about six new homes built in my neighborhood when I was 15, and I believe five of those couples divorced within two years of moving in.  The pain, the hurt, the personal agony those people went through... I never wanted to experience it.  I would rather remain single forever than get married and divorced. 

And yet, I wanted to get married.  I had a deep desire to find an eternal companion (and I had felt the inner assurance that I would). I wanted to find someone who would work through life with me and not give up; someone who would honor, love, and respect me.  This desire grew deep within me, and it guided my dating. 

Somewhere along the way I learned that I needed to silence the fearful thoughts about divorce.  I needed to simply focus on what makes a successful marriage.  I needed to work to become whatever would lead me to a lasting marriage and seek a husband who emulates the same.

I started interviewing happy older couples whenever I had the opportunity.  I talked to several of them.  The interview consisted of one question:  "If divorce had been socially acceptable when you were younger, is there any point in your marriage that you would have divorced?"  Without exception, every couple said yes.  They had faced a time in their marriage when they would have divorced if it had been socially acceptable.  And, without exception they were so happy they had worked through it and stayed married.  Their love had grown deeper through the years.

 

http://flic.kr/p/7doWTq

These interviews confirmed to me that marriage is not just a walk in the park.  There is a point for most couples where they just want to give up.  So, I better find someone who wants an eternal marriage as much as I do; someone who is willing to walk the hard times together and not give up.

When I was dating Michael (my husband), he treated me with such respect.  He opened doors for me, and honored me.  He did not rush me.  When he asked if he could kiss me, I said no! (Uggh, right?)  I wasn't ready for that yet.  His response?  He gently said, "Will you let me know when you are ready?"  Wow.  This, of course, increased my love for and trust in him.  I could see evidence of determination in him.  I believed he wanted an eternal marriage as much as I.  We had frank conversations.  We shared honestly, and I grew to love him.  I wanted to marry him.  I prayed about it, and I was at peace with it.

Two nights before we were to be married, Michael came to my home and told me he wasn't sure about going through with the wedding.  I sat quietly and listened.  Tears began to roll down my cheeks.  I loved him and wanted to marry him.  However, the depth of my desire for an eternal marriage was greater than my desire to marry him in particular.  If he was not sure he wanted to be married to me, I did not want to marry him.  I did not try to convince him to go through with it.  I told him we should call it off.  It did not matter to me what others would think.  It did not matter that I had already spent a bunch of money.  It did not matter that I was sad.

I was guided by my deepest desire.  When faced with a choice, the depth of your desire guides.  If your desire is not deeply rooted in your heart, then temporary desire (appetite) may overpower it.  The desire for a man who loved me enough for a happy eternal marriage was deepest in my heart.

A few things I am realizing about this experience:  Focus on what I desire, not on the fear.  The focus will drive the desire deeper within me.  Actively learn about how to obtain the desire, and this will divert attention from the fear.  Watch those who are already living the desire and learn from them.  Let the desire grow deep within me.

I was just shy of 30 years old when we married. Sometimes even our deepest desires take a LONG TIME to materialize. I am so thankful for everything I learned on the journey, though.  Remember to be patient.  Every step is meaningful if I will be open to the lesson in that step.

I have realized also that if I have a desire that contradicts another desire, the deeper of the two will win.  For instance, I desired #1)to marry Michael and I desired #2)to marry a man who loved me and wanted to marry me.  The night he came to talk to me, the two were in contradiction.  The deeper desire (#2) guided my actions. 

The end of the story of course is that he figured out he really did want to marry me, and together we are working out our happily ever after.  He is just what I was looking for; truly my dream come true.  I love, love, love him!